3 Months a Family!

I can't believe how fast 3 months has flown by- but considering all that's happened in that time, I guess that's understandable! In 3 months we have (among other things):

* Become a family

* Toured China, sightseeing and completing paperwork while getting to know one another- and learning how to be a family (and a mommy/daddy/etc.)

* Flown across the Pacific, leaving behind everything Caitlin knew

* Begun to settle into our new life together here in the U.S.

* Celebrated Thanksgiving and Caitlin's baptism (with all 4 of Caitlin's grandparents visiting from out of town)

* Gotten through Caitlin's surgery to repair her cleft palate, and the 2+ week recovery that came with it

* Traveled across the country, flying from California to Wisconsin, then on to New Jersey, then back to California

Whew- my head is spinning! I can't even imagine what must be going on in poor Caitlin's head.

All in all, Caitlin is doing really well. Tuesday marks 6 weeks since her surgery, and her mouth seems to be about healed. She still had some stitches even up until last week, but as of Friday they seem to be all dissolved. She is back to eating solid foods, although nothing too hard yet, and her sleep issues seem to be resolving themselves. The past week she's been sleeping the night through- what a blessing!

The trip East for the holidays really threw her off and she has been out of sorts ever since. The attitude that I saw after her surgery has returned, and my patience is again wearing thin as I find myself the brunt of her anger. I realize that it is nothing personal, and I am grateful that she feels comfortable enough with me to be able to let down her mask and show me her true emotions, but it's very hard to endure. I know that this is just another passing phase... I look forward to my sweet baby girl returning (hopefully SOON)!

As I wrote to a friend the other day, Caitlin is my dream come true- and then some; but we are not quite to the "Happily Ever After" just yet. However, if things improve even just a little each day, we'll be there before we know it!

In other news, Caitlin continues to grow and blossom each day! It is so much fun to see her accomplish new tasks and goals- and then to witness her self pride in doing so!

She is speaking more and more, although she kind of has her own special way of saying many things. She can clearly say: wow, hi, Mama, and out, and she uses signs to say "drink" and "all done/all gone." But other words have a pronunciation unique to Caitlin, such as "ee uh" means "clean up," "ee eh" means "the end," etc. She still cannot say "Dada," but she definitely knows who Daddy is!

She is understanding almost everything we say to her, and she can follow almost all the simple commands we give (i.e.- "Go get your shoes," "One more," or "Bring me Libby's toy"). She can also identify several body parts. Comprehension-wise, she has a pretty big vocabulary!

And Libby now answers to "Lala," since she hears it ALL the time (Caitlin is very fond of her Lala!).
Today Caitlin tried to feed herself with a spoon! She has had no interest until now, and with the surgery I didn't push the issue since she wasn't supposed to be putting anything in her mouth anyway.

She couldn't quite get the hang of "scooping" and kept stabbing the food instead:

Dumping the food off the spoon before it even hit her mouth:

Giving up- fingers are much more convenient!

Eh, she was proud of herself... We'll keep working on it!

Caitlin adores books; in fact, she prefers books to almost any of her toys. To think that just 3 months ago she didn't even know what to do with a book (except to rip them to shreds!), this is a major accomplishment. And as a teacher, I couldn't be happier! She will bring me book after book, then do this little dance as she excitedly sits in my lap to hear me read it to her. I now have half of the books on her bookshelf memorized.

And she loves music. As soon as she hears any music, whether it be background music in a store, or even music on a commercial on TV, she will start to sway and dance. She especially loves to dance to the music during the "local on the 8's" on the Weather Channel! And the girl's got some moves- I definitely see dance classes in her future!

She also enjoys being my little helper; on top of helping with the laundry, Caitlin closes doors for me, helps to straighten up, helps me carry (very light) things, and helps me take care of Libby. She assists me in feeding her and I've even been letting her walk her! (Libby is an almost 9-year-old, 7-pound toy poodle, and offers no resistance. In fact, she only wears a leash because it's the law!) It is so cute to hear Caitlin laugh and laugh as she proudly walks her Lala down the street!
When she's not screaming at me, Caitlin is very sweet and loving. She loves to be held and cuddled, and she gives lots of hugs. I absolutely adore it when she comes running up to me and wraps her arms around my legs, or when I am standing cooking or getting dressed and she squeezes her way between my legs and the counter and just stands there with me. And my heart melts every time she says "Mama," then reaches up and rubs my face- or puts her face right in front of mine so that we can rub noses. So cute! Those are the moments I dreamed of... and what makes being a Mommy SO worth it!

And so, while the past 3 months have been a whirlwind, full of ups and downs, I am so grateful for all of it. We will continue to wait for the "Happily Ever After," but for now I am completely content to have come as far as we have, and to have Caitlin where she is supposed to be- at home, with her family!

Perspective

Three of the 5 biggest stressors in life are supposed to be moving, losing someone you love, and having surgery. Caitlin has experienced all 3 of those in less than 3 months...

Only instead of just moving to a new house on the other side of town (or the state- or even the country), Caitlin moved to a whole other continent, leaving behind all that she knew. She lost her home, her culture, her way of life... everything. When we move to a new house, we at least (usually) keep our furniture and precious belongings. Caitlin left her home with absolutely nothing but memories.

And instead of just losing a loved one, and having friends and family to lean on to get you through the tough times, Caitlin lost EVERYONE she kenw and loved- and had NO ONE to lean on but Paul and me, two total strangers to her.

And then she had major surgery, and on top of the pain and confusion that caused, she also lost her ability to eat her favorite foods and suck her beloved thumbs (her method of self-soothing) because of it.

On top of all that, being so young, Caitlin doesn't have the ability to comprehend why it's happening!

(I've been using this analogy to try to explain Caitlin's situation to those who don't understand. It seems to help, or at least it seems to make people think.)

Happy New Year!

We toasted in 2011 in New Jersey. We are having a wonderful time visiting with my extended family (who lives here), as well as my parents who are visiting from Georgia, and even my brother and his family who I have not seen in over 2 years since they have been living in Japan. We even got to finally meet my niece (my brother's daughter), who is 2-1/2 months younger than Caitlin. The girls played together nicely and had a great time together!

Opening MORE presents:

"The Girls"- just hangin' out!

Caitlin's First Christmas

We spent Caitlin's first Christmas with Paul's family in Milwaukee. Caitlin enjoyed meeting her extended family and spending time with everyone! Here are a few pictures of her opening presents on Christmas Eve:

Getting ready for Christmas!

Here are a few pictures from yesterday:

Posing in her Christmas dress:

Pictures with Santa (she wasn't too sure about Santa!):

Opening her first Christmas gifts (our family gifts, since we will not be here for Christmas):

Getting back to (somewhat) normal...

Today Caitlin was able to switch to a pureed diet, and I can't explain it, but it is such a relief! I still have to feed her (she is still not allowed to put ANYTHING in her mouth), but we can use a spoon instead of a bottle. And the food just has to be pureed as opposed to liquefied, which is one less step! She still can't have any "chunks" or soft food until the stitches are gone and her mouth is completely closed up, but the surgeon says that takes about 3 weeks so starting next week I'm going to start adding soft foods back in. We still have to be very careful until about 6 weeks post-op, when her mouth will be considered healed.

Maybe it's just that, little by little, things are beginning to return to normal and that just feels good!

We're Doing OK!

Just wanted to update for those who were worried about us to let you know that we are doing OK. The past few days have actually been much better; in fact, during the daytime (awake hours) Caitlin almost seems to be back to her old self! Nighttime and naptime are still a different story, but the past 24 hours have even been better in that category (knock on wood!)

Starting on Tuesday we can move to a pureed diet, meaning she still has to eat baby food, but at least she doesn't have to have the baby food watered down and fed through a bottle. That should make her happy! I am down to only giving her Tylenol when she needs it (when she gets really cranky and starts playing with her mouth with her tongue). The "no-no's" will stay on another week, and even after that I think I will still put them on her when she's sleeping and I can't watch her. I'm still very afraid of her hurting or un-doing everything that's been done. Other than that, things are finally, slowly returning to near-normal.

Thank you again for all of your thoughts, prayers, advice and words of encouragement! I really don't know what I would have done without them! :)

Good News!

Well, we didn't get any real answers from the surgeon today, but I heard the words I'd hoped to hear: Everything looks great! Her mouth is healing just fine, the tissue looks good, and there is no sign of infection. She is by no means healed; she is seeping blood (thus the orange stains on her sheets), and it will be another 2 weeks or so before the roof of her mouth has closed up, but he saw what he wanted to see for it being only 1 week after surgery.

He acknowledged her stinky breath and the drainage from her nose, but he said that since there was no sign of infection it is OK and will (hopefully) pass with time. As far as the sleeping issues, he said that it is to be expected with the tramua she just went through and, again, should pass with time. And she still has a very slight fever, but he said that is normal for post-op. Unless something else comes up, we don't have to go for our scheduled post-op appointment next week; we are done until the New Year!

She is to continue with the liquid diet for another week, then we can start slowly adding soft foods back in. The no-no's have to stay on for at least another week, but since she is such a major thumb-sucker he said we'd probably want to keep them on for a good 3 weeks, until her mouth is closed up.

So it was a very long day (the hospital is about 90 miles away; with traffic it takes 2-1/2 hours), but so worth it to get some peace of mind! Now I can focus on the behavior issues...

A Little Better...

Well, today went a little better! Caitlin woke up with only a very slight fever, which was great news, BUT when I went in to get her this morning I found her with one arm out of her "no-no." How the Little Houdini managed such a feat, I have no idea. I really thought there was no way possible; I put the no-no's under the sleeves of her PJs! But she somehow managed to get her arm out of the no-no and sleeve, and then slip her arm out the neck of her PJs. I flipped when I saw it; she wasn't sucking her thumb when I found her, but I don't know how long she had been "free" or how much damage she might have done. I had spent the night checking on her and making sure she still had her restraints on, so I don't even know when she did it. Unfortunately, however, there is really nothing more I can do to prevent her from getting out of the restraints- short of super-gluing them to her arms. And I can't stay up all night to watch her every move. I'm checking on her every couple of hours, but apparently that's not enough...

The weird thing is, she doesn't even mind the no-no's! She cries when I take them off. In fact, she was sitting there crying when I went in this morning. So why she did it, I have no idea.

So that was a bad start to the day. Caitlin got back in my good graces, however, (I was really mortified with the whole no-no thing) by helping me with the laundry. She likes to put the clothes in, and take them out of the dryer.

She only had 2 tantrums all day, and those were not that bad. She never hit, kicked or scratched, so I'm calling it a victory!

The sleeping issues, however, continue to get worse. It seems to have digressed into separation anxiety. I was trying to figure out why she insists on trying to sleep in her carseat and on the bathroom floor while I'm in the shower, but why, no matter how exhausted she is, she is fighting sleeping at naptime and bedtime. Then I realized that when we're in the car or the bathroom, I am there and she feels secure that I am not leaving her. When she falls asleep at naptime and bedtime, I slip out and she wakes up alone. I'm not sure what it was about the trauma of the surgery that has caused this digression, or how to fix it, but I really need to get a handle on it so that we both can get more sleep. As it is, she is still waking up multiple times a night SCREAMING. Before the surgery she was sleeping through the night, with the exception of an occasional nightmare or night terror.

We are going back up to see her surgeon tomorrow morning, and I have a list of concerns to discuss with him so we'll see what he says. Her fever has stayed down all day, but her breath still smells bad (a sign of infection), and she still has a lot of drainage coming out of her nose. And I'm hoping he has some advice on the sleep issues, although I realize that is probably not really his area of expertise!

Rough Week

Sorry I haven't posted in a few days, but it's been really tough here. Caitlin has taken my total and undivided attention when she's awake, and since she hasn't been sleeping well I haven't had much "off" time, either. And when she doesn't sleep, neither do I, so I've been pretty exhausted as well. Honestly, I just haven't felt like writing about how bad it's been, but people have been e-mailing me to check on us since they haven't heard from me, so I realized I needed to update!

As bad as Friday was, Saturday was far worse. That was the day that Caitlin's frustration with the situation turned to total and complete attitude. She reverted to throwing major tantrums at the drop of the hat, and the tantrums were even more severe than what we saw those first days in China. I thought she was getting over the tantrums; I've tried very hard to teach her that tantrums won't get her anything (tantrums are a MAJOR pet peeve for me; I despise them), but I think she's just beyond the point of rational thinking at this point.

I can put myself in her shoes and understand her frustration. As my parents pointed out, she's lost 2 of her 3 most favorite things: sucking her thumb and eating (she LOVES to eat). I'm thankful that she at least still has her 3rd favorite thing: her car seat! She never liked drinking; I've been forcing fluids on her since the day we met so she wouldn't get dehydrated... And yet now that's all she gets! I don't think she is hungry. She gets just as much (if not more) than she did before the surgery, but I think that since it comes watered down she probably doesn't think it counts. I wish there was some way for me to explain to her what's happening and why, but of course that is not possible. So she has to trust me and hope that I know what's best for her, but we've only known each other for barely 2 months- how much does she trust me?

But that doesn't make it alright to scratch, hit and kick me. I will spare you the gory details (and I really don't want the world to know about this new side of my daughter), but suffice it to say, it was ugly. I had been warned before by the surgeon's PA that she was going to be frustrated and angry, and that she would take it out on me, and that's exactly what is happening.

On top of all that, she is also not sleeping very well. It started with her just waking every 4 hours when she needed more pain medicine, but then it got so bad that she was actually waking up, screaming and fighting, every single hour. It would take me time to get her back to sleep, then it would take time for me to get back to sleep, and then it would start all over again! I almost cried at one point; I was so tired I honestly didn't think I could go on. With us both being that exhausted, it doesn't make it any easier to cope- neither for her to cope with her frustration, nor for me to cope with her!

So it was a very, very long weekend. Today started out better (she only threw 2 tantrums all morning!), but then Caitlin started to run a slight fever. By the time she woke up from her nap, it was higher. She woke up very whiny and she clearly did not feel well. By tonight it was up to 100 degrees; still low-grade under most circumstances, but I have to worry if this means she's getting an infection. I'll see how tonight goes, but we may be making a trip back up to the hospital tomorrow. I had already spoken with her surgeon this morning to tell him about her sucking her thumb Thursday night and about all the discharge coming out of her nose, and he asked us to come up Wednesday morning so he could check her out. But now with the fever we may need to go up a little earlier.

And the adventure continues...