Adoption's Not Easy!

Anyone who thinks that adoption is the "easy way" to start a family couldn't be more wrong! While I'm not complaining and I would do it all again in a flash, this has been a very stressful, emotional, and difficult journey so far. We have been working very hard on this for a very long time: It was a year and a half ago that Paul and I first made the decision to go forward with our adoption plan at this point in our lives (Fall, 2007); it's been one year since we signed a contract with our first agency (the one that later went out of business) and officially began the process, and it took us 10 months to put our dossier together and get it to China. We still are not logged in, and we have at least a 2 to 3 year wait ahead of us before we will finally meet our child!

While we are waiting for our referral we will have to keep up with our paperwork as some of it will expire. We will have to do a whole new homestudy once we get settled in our new home, and we will have to update that homestudy every 12 months. Our USCIS paperwork will also expire; we will have to be re-fingerprinted again next February, then renew our I-800A. The first time they do this for free, but after that we will have to pay all over again.

No, I don't have to be pregnant for 9 months, but at least with a pregnancy you have an idea when your baby is coming. And you only have to wait 9 months to meet your baby when you're pregnant- we may wait 2-1/2 to 4 times longer than that, or more! Plus, when you are pregnant you have the constant reminder of your little one; you can physically see him/her growing inside you, and feel him/her move. You get ultrasounds to actually see his/her face, and you can hear the heartbeat. With adoption we get none of these special reminders or "connections" to our baby; instead we get to celebrate things like completing paperwork or getting updates from our agency. That is why I sometimes buy little things for Caitlin, even though it will be years before I meet her; by buying her some clothes or books or starting to buy a few things for her nursery, it reminds me that she is on the way, and that is what keeps me going even when things get stressful or seem hopeless.

Yes, we get to take a big trip at the end of our "pregnancy" instead of the pains of labor, but the trip to China is not exactly a vacation! Imagine being handed a baby that you have never met before, who is 8-18 months old (not a newborn, mind you), and you are instantly a parent. Although you are thrilled beyond belief since you have been waiting for this magical day for years, your beautiful new baby has no idea what is going on. She is scared, confused, and grieving the loss of the only life she has known. You know she is going to a much better life, but she doesn't understand that. Now imagine trying to bond with this baby (which may but probably won't come easily) while living in a hotel room and traveling from city to city within a country that you know very little about. She is likely sick (many of the babies come down with some type of cold/respiratory illness, or constipation at best due to all the sudden and abrupt changes; either way they're not feeling "tip-top"), you are probably sick as well (either with the same respiratory illness that everyone seems to come down with during the trip, probably from the pollution, or a stomach bug, probably from eating foods you are not used to), as well as extremely jet lagged since you were only in this time zone (on the other side of the planet) for a day or 2 before your life completely changed and you became parents. Now you are dealing for the first time with a new, sick, scared little child, in a new country, with none of your resources and support that you have back home. She is crying, but she doesn't know or trust you so when you try to comfort her she only cries harder. She doesn't sleep because she is scared and confused, so even though you are exhausted and jet lagged, you don't sleep. She won't eat because the formula or bottles you give her are not what she is used to... I could go on and on, but the point is this is not a pleasure trip!

Please don't get me wrong; I am looking forward to all these challenges! Although it will not be easy- I realize that being a parent is the hardest job I will ever have, but also the most rewarding- I can't wait! I am just a realist. I have researched and researched this process, almost to the point of obsession (typical of me!), and I feel I have a good idea of what to expect. I plan to be as prepared as I can be, but I also know to expect the unexpected. I just felt the need to write this post to try to explain to the people outside of the adoption world that it's not just a matter of signing a few papers and, VOILA!- you're handed a happy, giggling baby and you all live happily ever after...

I met a family at a baseball game last year. They had 3 daughters: two biological and the youngest was adopted from China. I asked the mom which she thought was easier: giving birth or adopting. She said "Honey, I had my first daughter naturally, my second by a C-section, and my third was adopted, so I feel I have every possible route to becoming a parent covered. Without hesitation I can say that adoption was BY FAR the most difficult of the three- but so worth it!"