It actually could get worse!

I take back everything I said yesterday about Caitlin being such a sound sleeper in her crib, and how much easier it was to get her down last night. I apparently jinxed myself!

I got in bed late, after 10:30. It took me awhile to drift off, then we were awaken from a sound sleep at 11:45 by Caitlin screaming. I don't know if she had a nightmare or what happened, but she was out of control. I picked her up and she went right back to sleep in my arms, but I was so exhausted at that point that I literally felt weak. I physically couldn't hold her; I was actually shaking and I felt like I was going to fall over and I didn't want to hurt us both. I tried, unsuccessfully, to get her back to sleep in her crib, or even to sit down holding her, but she just wouldn't have it. I finally just had to put her in the crib screaming. It was all I could do. She tried to sit up, tried to get out, then just started an all-out temper tantrum with kicking and hitting. I just kept holding her down and rubbing her side until she FINALLY cried herself to sleep. I got up quietly to go to the bathroom, but it woke her back up and we started the whole thing all over again. I felt like crying; I really didn't think I could take anymore. Even after I finally got her quieted down, she still tossed and turned and woke up several more times, but thankfully she self-soothed each of those times (we have the crib right next to my side of the bed so she can see me). It was after 2 AM before she finally fell into a sound sleep (and I was allowed to go back to sleep). I still woke up at 5 AM, but at least that's better than 4 AM!

I was hoping Caitlin would sleep late (goodness knows she needed it after getting no nap yesterday and so little sleep last night!), but she woke up at 5:30. It was at that point that I made the decision that she and I would not go to the orphanage today. It would be too much; a very long and busy day, and we weren't sure what it was going to do to her to go back anyway (even on a good day). I felt that if I stayed behind with her, I could just keep it quiet and calm, try to get her back on her orphanage schedule, and HOPEFULLY get a good nap in. I think she's so exhausted at this point that she's just over-tired.

So Paul went to the orphanage alone (well, with the other family, Helen, and Helen's director). They didn't get back until almost 6:30, so I was on my own all day with one very cranky kid! After breakfast (where Caitlin decided to not eat anything but some yogurt), we decided to take a walk around West Lake Park again. It was a little cooler today, and overcast so the sun was not so hot. As long as we had a breeze it was actually quite nice. We had a great time "hanging out" with all the locals (I was literally the only "white" person I saw after leaving the hotel and until we returned; even the tourist groups that walked through were Asian!) We saw people dancing in the park, doing tai chi, practicing kung fu, playing badminton, singing and playing instruments. I'm kicking myself for not taking a camera because I would like to have had pictures of what all we saw.

The performers seemed to be ad-libbing and making it up on the spot. Apparently anyone could join in; someone would show some steps, then everyone would do it. Then someone else would make up a few more steps, then they'd practice that part. Finally they'd put the whole thing together and it was really beautiful. There was a big group dancing Asian-style to pop American music, a few groups of older ladies dancing what looked to be more traditional dances, and a huge group that was dancing a beautiful couples dance that looked a lot like a waltz. Then one lady hung up a big sign with what must have been music, although it just looked like characters and numbers (no notes). A group of people joined around and they all started singing it. I don't know if she'd just written it and was testing it out or what that was all about, but it was really mesmerizing to watch it all.

Caitlin loves music! She was just entranced by all the music in the park today. She even let me sit down for awhile and we listened to an impromptu "band." I would sway with the music, and she just stared at them and sucked her thumb. Then I stopped swaying between songs, and as soon as the music started back SHE started swaying to the music! So we swayed together, and laughed and had a great time! It was a fun bonding moment!

Again we felt like celebrities! People kept coming up to us and trying to talk to us. I of course drew a lot of attention being the only non-Asian, plus being non-Asian and holding an Asian child! Caitlin drew attention just because she's so darned cute (when she's not screaming at you)! A lot of people wanted their children to try to talk to me. They'd bring them up to me and tell them to tell me "Hello" or "Bye Bye," so I would talk to them and try to get them to practice their English (I'm a language teacher- I couldn't resist the opportunity to teach!). And one man started taking my picture! It was kind of weird, but he seemed nice enough. He even showed the pictures to me on the screen- and then thanked me!

Several people told me how beautiful Caitlin's eyes were. With sign language and a very few English words that someone would throw in here and there they talked about her long, long lashes, and how big and black her eyes are! She looked up at me at one point and gave me a big smile, then grabbed my shirt like she was saying "My Mommy!" It was so cute and they all said something about her knowing her Mama, which of course made my day! I really needed that!

Some people told me that I should let Caitlin walk (I had her in the Mei Tai because she is still attached to me like glue and won't let me put her down. Plus, she loves the thing, and right now whatever makes her happy makes me VERY happy!). I wanted to say "I will pay you money if you can get her to walk on her own!," but since I couldn't get that point across with sign language, I just settled on pointing to her socked feet, shrugging and saying "No shoes!" They would nod and smile and that would be the end of it. It was really a very special experience and I'm glad we did it. I'm really enjoying the culture and the people here!

Then we came back to the hotel to try to get lunch, but we found out that the restaurant doesn't open until 11:30. Her orphanage schedule was to eat at 11, nap at11:30, and the restaurant is very slow. We went back at 11:30, but didn't get our food until after 12. By then she'd pretty much had it. She had a total melt down (even in her favorite, "magic" restaurant) and we had to run out. I finished eating my won ton soup up here in the room after I got her down for a nap with one of her baby forks because that's all I had to eat with! Whew! This is tough!

She did pass out as soon as we got back to the room, and I managed to get her in the crib with only a minor meltdown. She's just so worn out, poor kid! She slept for 2 whole hours, then woke up screaming. And she screamed for the next 45 minutes. Straight. And when I say screaming, I mean it! Nothing could stop it- believe me, I tried it all: rocking, shushing, singing, humming, Puffs, Cheerios, bottle, distracting with toys, books, even a beach ball... Nothing worked. The maid came by to clean the room in the middle of it. I think she was really just using it as an excuse to check on us and see what on earth was going on in our room, but I was so glad to have her come in and witness what I was going through- and so she could see that I was not torturing the kid (even though that was how it sounded). She even tried to help console Caitlin; she ran and got her a toy, but it didn't help. She talked to her in Chinese, but Caitlin only screamed harder. Then, all of a sudden I offered her a Cheerio once again and this time she decided she wanted it after all. The screaming stopped, and she and I spent the next 45 minutes taking turns eating Cheerios. I really don't know how many she consumed today, and I really don't care; it gave us some peace and quiet for 45 minutes.

I have learned the difference between 3 of her cries: her mad/frustrated cry, her sad cry, and her just plain temper tantrum scream. That is the one I'm having the most trouble with. There are no tears, just out right screaming at the top of her lungs. I realized today that I was hearing her sad cry a lot, and it usually happened when things got quiet. I think it gave her time to think. She was grieving today; many of the times she did her sad cry she would say "ayiayiayiayi" over and over again. "Ayi" (I'm not sure how to spell it) is what they call their nannies. I think it means "Auntie." Anyway, it just made me all the more glad that we did not go to the orphanage today. This would have been the absolute WORST day to do that to her. And it helped me to remember that she has lost absolutely everything she knew this week: her friends, her caretakers, her “home,” even her bed. She is clinging desperately to me because she is scared to death.

After the 45 minute Cheerios feast, we actually played in the room with her toys for almost an hour! It was wonderful! She wouldn't leave my lap, but she did occupy herself with only a few crying episodes. Then we still had an hour until dinner, so we decided to take another walk. This time we walked the other way around the lake back to the amusement park that we went to yesterday. Caitlin sure loves that Mei Tai! She is so happy in it, but as soon as we got back to the hotel lobby the tears started again.

I decided to just order room service for dinner; didn't want to risk having to run out of the restaurant yet again. It was a good choice; Caitlin cried just while I was standing there ordering dinner. She never would have made it through the meal. Paul got back just as dinner was delivered, and after Caitlin had had some formula and rice cereal she was all smiles! She is so "Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde!" I just can’t figure out the mood swings.

As soon as the smiles turned back into tears, I got her ready for bed. No bath tonight; I didn't want to put any more on her with how emotional she already was. She will just have to be greasy tomorrow! She fell asleep in my arms when I was standing and rocking her, but as soon as I tried to sit down (she was already asleep and I couldn't stand anymore; I wasn't even trying to put her in her crib yet- I just tried to sit and hold her until she was fast asleep!) she started another temper tantrum with the screaming and no tears. I decided she could scream as well in her crib as she could in my ear, so I went ahead and put her down. It turned out pretty much exactly like it did last night, but it did finally work and she fell asleep holding on to my hand. How I pray that she stays asleep without another episode like last night! We both need a good night's sleep, then I think we would both be happier people tomorrow.

I'm sincerely praying that tomorrow will be a better day. Yesterday 4 of us families were all frayed and stressed; we all had the "What have I done?!" look about us. Today the other 3 families had much better days and are SOOOO much happier. I'm hoping that Caitlin is only one day behind them! The other families are all so sweet and supportive, though. There isn't really much they can do to help, but just having their support means the world! I love the adoption community!

On a bright side, thankfully Caitlin is letting Paul hold her a little more each day. She still prefers me when I'm around, but when I disappear to the bathroom or need to get dressed she'll let him hold her for awhile. I'm glad- it gives my back a break!

Sorry but no pictures today. I asked Paul to write a post about his trip, but he couldn't get to it tonight so he will try tomorrow. He took a bunch of pictures and has quite a story to share, but I'll leave it for him to tell...

Tomorrow we are going to Panda World. I am very excited- not only to get out of this hotel (and I think it will be good to get Caitlin's mind off things), but I love pandas and I was hoping to get to see some while we were here. I'll let you know how it goes!

Thank you again for all of your comments, advice, well-wishes, and encouragement. You have no idea how much I appreciate it all!